Blue

Today has been a kookie day. Not in a bad mood... I'm actually not sure what I'm feeling, IF I feel anything at all. But I'm having a self-loathing evening.

My eating has just gotten out of control. That feeling that people usually get that tells them when they're full? Well, mine doesn't seem to work. I'm constantly eating because I never feel full. Now I can see my weight gain... it's in my face. I told my husband tonight that it's like I'm in a dingy, surrounded by oceans of food. I have a bucket and I'm scooping that food INTO the dingy, even knowing that I'm killing myself. Frank even told me the other day, that he's never seen someone with such bad self control :(

I don't know how to get my brain in line. I'm constantly drawn to sugar and fatty foods. I could handle being obsessed with vegetables and fruit, but this sugar craving is literally going to kill me. I have mood swings where I have self control. If I thought to myself 'I don't really need that', then I would say no. When I'm not in that mindset, I'll cry while I'm eating sugar because I just don't know how to stop.

I feel like I'm fighting with a 6 year old child! If I tell myself 'no', I get thrown into a full blown panic attack! I get into that 'fight or flight' mode in the middle of the bloody grocery store! So, Frank is doing most of the shopping.

I have stopped drinking soda's, though. For some reason, I'm able to say no to it, so I know the ability is there. But how to direct that towards all sugars??

AND WHERE IS THE BLOODY RAIN??