Silence

Someone wrote to me about one of my entries that said that the beads weren't 'speaking loudly to me' and it's been making me think.

I haven't beaded in over 3 months and it's not that they aren't speaking loudly to me, it's that they're not talking to me at all. I'm not sure what's silencing them for me... I've been off the antidepressants for almost 2 months now and that hasn't done anything to help. I even started to step off of the xanax, hoping that the calming effects of the meds would lighten up, but there's just nothing.

To be honest, there's nothing speaking to me. I'm working with glass because I need a lot of variety for the show next month, but that's been it. My depression was getting bad enough that I could see that 'abyss' again... that desire to just stay in bed and never wake up. That scared me enough to go back to the psychiatrist and I'm now on a mood stabilizer called Latuda. No anti-depression meds this time as we don't want back on that rollercoaster again, so this time we're trying a medication meant for schizophrenics (and no, I'm not). We're just trying to find some balance.

I did get either the motivation or mania to clean the bathroom floor yesterday. It had gotten bad enough that I was feeling ashamed of it and hit that point where if I didn't do something about it, I was going to just lose it. So now I have a pretty and clean floor! Today it's the toilet and that's the only thing I'm doing today, other than more glass. I'm breaking chores down and maybe if I do it that way, it won't be so overwhelming when I think of everything that needs to be done.

Another reason for not posting this past month or so is that I lost one of my uncles a few weeks ago and it's not been an easy task for my family in Ontario to deal with. Had I not seen and spoken with my uncle last summer, it wouldn't have hit me as hard as it did as I hadn't seen him in over 21 years. But, I'm glad I got to see and talk to him last year. I hadn't realized how much I had missed seeing him until that point and now I wait to see him again in the resurrection :)

B