Show II

Marilee, I sure hope you're feeling better. Our mutual friend was at the show volunteering :)

Kelly, I sold one small necklace and a polymer lion that I brought to the show at the last minute. The lady was so enamored with 'Leo' that she just had to have him :) I didn't even make half of what the table cost, but that's okay. Frank and I had a really good time and met new people.

And I bought a Ghost Cow lampworked bead! I got to meet Bronwen and oooh and awww over her cool pieces and bought myself a skull bead that is just too cool and cute for words. I'll take pics and show them later, I'm just too exhausted.

I also met a couple that Frank and I have something in common with. The wife suffers from bipolar disorder and her husband is a very optimistic, outgoing person. Sound familiar? LOL Carmen and I were able to talk for a little bit and it was a relief to talk to someone who understood the need to have certain foods in the house... the inability to sit for too long once I'm done a meal at a restaurant, etc. I really hope we keep in touch.

That's about it for now. I'm exhausted and am just going to browse the web before heading to bed. Lots of idea's for new pieces :)

Show

So far, everything is going good with the show. Sold a pair of earrings and that was it. We had a lot more people come through today than we had last year. I'm hoping it'll be even busier tomorrow and Sunday.

Kelly, I think that's pretty much the problem. When I start feeling better, Frank seems to think that if I'm feeling better then I should be able to be like everyone else. I don't know. I guess this is just something I'm going to have to get used to and just repeat myself every couple of months ;)

Tempest

I finished it last night... there's about 80 hours put into it :) I'll take better pictures next week.

Sad

There was a news brief about a woman in Houston who is being charged with attempted murder of her niece and nephew. She has suffered from bipolar disorder and everyone thought she was fine... her parents left the house to go to the store and get a frantic phone call from one of the kids that they were being stabbed. The woman then went to a neighbors house and told them that there was a murder. She had apparently been hearing voices.
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=7114223

This saddens and scares me. I've done research on bipolar disorder and I have yet to find out if it can progress or get worse for a person. I have no doubt that the media machine will be spewing fodder for the masses with myths and mis-truths about the disorder which makes it more difficult for those of us who suffer from it.

When I told Frank this morning that I was really excited to be doing the show and not nervous at all, he pointed out to me that when I'm busy doing things, I don't get nearly as anxious about things than if I have time to sit and stew over things. He's right, to an extent... if I keep myself occupied with upbuilding activities, I find that I'm in a better state of mind for a longer period of time. But this isn't always the case. How do I get Frank to understand that not being able to deal with even minor anxieties is a part of my anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, AND post traumatic stress disorder? He can't fathom what I'm saying because he is able to let things go.

It gets tiring and stressful when I have to repeat myself every couple of weeks or months to the people around me. It doesn't make me feel better to remind Frank that I just don't have the coping skills anymore. I obsess over things without meaning to and it drags me down when I really need and want to be uplifted.

I guess I just get tired of being reminded that there's something wrong with me. Reminding others that I'm not capable of dealing with every day anxieties the way that most people are capable of doing. That I obsess over things. Stupid things. I think about things until I'm running in circles in my brain, play certain songs until I'm sick of listening to it, eat certain foods until I'm sick of it... I don't like doing these things, but these are things that I do on a constant basis.

Caught up

Got all the jewelry together, got it priced and ready to go for tomorrow night. We go in after 6pm to set up our tables for Friday and I'm stoked! I have to find the table cloths tomorrow and iron them, get the stuff into the truck and away we'll go.

We only live about 20 minutes from the H.E.S.S. club, so it won't be a long trip and I think I'll take the jewelry in at the last minute. They've got security, but I'll feel more secure if my babies are with me. Frank will be helping me at the table and I've asked him if we could do less 'hovering' this time ;) Frank loves to talk to people and has a tendency to hover when people just want to look and I know for myself, it can be a turn-off if someone is staring at me while I look.

I'll be taking pictures and posting them after the show, on Monday :)

Obsessive beading

That's what I've been doing for the past few days :) I know I said I'd get a pic out on Monday, but I just haven't had the motivation to take pictures. I'm hoping that will change once this new necklace is complete. It's a big one. All oil slick blues, purples, fuschia and emerald green. All in freeform brickstitch and I can't stop. So, it'll be a fully embellished necklace :)

I did have a blast on Sunday at the Ren faire. Had a really good time although I found it a bit difficult with the crowds. But, I did it and I did have fun.

Today isn't so great. I've been doing really well for the past few weeks but today I had a slight panic attack and I keep getting surges of energy. I'm beading as fast as I can and every time I get a surge I start shaking and can't stop. Every breath I take seems to start off another fit of shaking and it's really irritating.

The Houston Bead Society's bead show is next weekend and I'm in it. I've already got a lot of inventory, so I'm not making anything for it. I'm just going to relax as much as I can and get everything in order so that I'm not in a tizzy before the show. I know I'll be in a tizzy anyways, but I can save myself a lot of torment by having everything ready well before hand.

Sleeping

The intense dreaming has lessened, thankfully. I'm pretty much sleeping through the night and can feel that some of the side effects are disappearing ie. no longer feeling like I've had 50 cups of coffee all the time. Now it only happens once in a while. The mania is still going and I'm finding that I have moments where I'm shaking and can't stop. Not from the cold or anything, just shaking.

I was able to work today and had a really good day with my friend, Chawnia. We were both pleasantly pleased that I showed no signs of agitation or of being anti-social. I was chatty with the customers - even the ones that aggravate me - and actually enjoyed the day. That's actually almost a first... it's been a long, long time since I've enjoyed working a full 8 hours and was getting to the point where I was going to ask Helen for 4 hour shifts instead of the full day. I'm not even sure that Helen would be able to do that for me, so this is for the better. I need this job. Not because we're on a fixed income but because I need to keep in touch with the outside world. It's too easy for me to stay home and avoid external stimulation and some days I know I need to.

I'm supposed to stop taking the 40 mg of Prozac, but I'm going to call the doctor on Monday to see if I can stay on it as this is the best I've felt in months. I know I'm manic and I know I can't function long-term like this, but for the moment... it's just right.

I'll be taking pictures of the green bracelet on Monday. Going to the Texas Renaissance Festival tomorrow with the grandkids and I'm going to have a blast.

Talking

Woke myself up last night, cuz I started to speak out loud instead of in my dream LOL It happens to me about once a week, so that was nothing new, but I did think about what I was dreaming about and what I was doing in my dream to cause me to speak out loud. I can actually remember feeling as if I couldn't get enough air out of my throat to talk, as if I could only whisper in my dream. So, to talk louder, I forced it down my throat and woke myself up LOL

I'm having a nasty time with the thyroid meds. They upped them and I've been having hot flashes for days. NOW I understand how Mom feels when she gets them.

Oh oh oh know what? Mom said that Dad had an anxiety attack yesterday! First time! Now HE has a clue! Not that I would EVER wish anything like that on my father - I love him dearly - but for him to have even a glimpse of what Mom and I go through with our anxiety disorders and such... I almost feel like he was initiated! I wanna hug the guy. Anxiety attacks are nothing to laugh at, especially when it's your first one and you haven't got a flipping clue as to what's wrong. I tried to remember when I had my first anxiety attack, but I haven't a clue because I can't remember not having them. Sad, eh?

I still feel very skittish. I have vertigo, so I can liken the sensation to standing on the tallest mountain and having to look down with no safety. It's a constant feeling with jolts when there's a loud sound or if Frank speaks to me, its as if he snuck up behind me. But, I can deal with this! This I can handle. I know I'm not in any immediate danger, so if I stay aware of how I'm feeling, then I can talk myself through things... most of the time. Today has been good because I've been able to talk myself into getting out of bed early, leaving the house (can't believe how difficult that was) to take care of errands and such and drive around to Alvin and back. I now know that I'll be okay on Saturday, when I go in to work. I now know that I'll be okay on Sunday, when we spend the day at the Texas Renaissance Festival with thousands of other people. I got through today, I can get through tomorrow :)

Dreaming

Another side effect of these new pills: intense dreaming. I mean off-the-wall dreaming. I know I almost always dream... Frank lets me know when I've been talking... but this has just been unreal. Dreaming of people I haven't thought about in years. Dreaming of people I miss.

Last night, I dreamt that a woman walked into our house and it looked just like my Grandma! I somehow learned that she was Gram's twin sister, which is weird cuz she doesn't have a twin. And if she's a twin, why was her hair looking younger than Gram's was? I remember feeling the shock, even in my sleep, of seeing this woman who was an identical replica of Gram. I know I felt confusion, but the last thing I remember feeling was giddy, giggling to myself that I'm 39 years old and I just find out that my Gram's got a twin sister. For some reason, it was funny to me that I'd known Gram for 36 years and there was no mention of a twin. I mean, family secrets do have a way of becoming known, so why I was so giggly about this, I don't know. Maybe it was just a continuation of the shock.

The night before, I dreamt I was a part of a big crowd, standing around, being boisterous... then, something I did triggered a chain reaction that killed a girl! This wouldn't bother me so much except for the fact that I go through the emotional toll while I'm in the dream and these aren't my normal, run-of-the-mill dreams.

I finished the green bracelet and have hurriedly started a navy blue one... I say 'hurriedly' because I almost feel like if I don't make another one, the desire will somehow fly away again. I took my pills an hour later last night to see how long I'd sleep for and I woke up at my usual time, so 9 pm is the time I'll be taking my meds.

Getting there

I'm beading again :) I've actually been beading for a couple of days but I didn't want to jinx myself as I've done before, by saying 'I'm back' when it was just a blip ;)

I'm taking the Mirtazapine at night and boy, does it throw me for a loop. I'm dipsy within the hour of taking one of them, but I've been taking them kind of early so I don't sleep late. I've noticed that as dipsy as the drug makes me, I don't actually sleep when I lay down. My brain keeps going and is still active, even if I can't keep my eyes open. I toss and turn until about 4:30am or 5, then I cool down and am able to fall asleep and be up by 10.

It's taking some getting used to :)